Why Me?

I supposed that when you’re diagnosed with cancer, no matter who you are, the question you inevitably ask yourself is “why me?”

It’s a funny thing to ask, when you think about it.

I mean…depending on how you think the world or universe works…why does anything really happen?

If you subscribe to the theory that everything happens for a reason, or that God (whatever name you might use for God) has a plan…well…why the fuck did he see fit to give me Leukemia?

Is there a purpose behind that?

Ok, I can kind of buy that there may be a reason in some superior being’s plan to give me Leukemia. I sure as hell will be participating in more leukemia-related fund raisers. It’s already made me think about my life in an entirely different way. It’s certainly made me want to start checking off the boxes on the list of things I want to do before I die a whole lot sooner than planned.

I get all that.

Couldn’t that have also been accomplished by making my brakes fail on the highway or something?

Or, more seriously, what happens if I die?

I understand that, in terms of getting leukemia, if I had to pick, now would be a pretty sweet time in my life to get it. Which sounds weird. But it’s absolutely true.

-I’m young (huge)
-I’m healthy (huge)
-I’m athletic (not huge but good)
-I have no other health-related issues (massive)

So if there was a time in my life where I stand the best chance of beating leukemia, it’s right now. Double that because I was in the middle of training for a triathlon, so I’m literally in the best shape I have ever been in in my entire life.

But add all that together, and there’s STILL a higher than 0% chance that at the end of this, after all is said and done, I could still potentially not make it.

Not only is that utterly terrifying, the question I’m left with is: Why?

I guess from an early age, I’ve had issues with organized religions. I was raised Catholic, but I pretty quickly grew to dislike the church and what it has come to stand for in the present day. I tried Buddhism for a little while, and though I retain a lot of the overall principles and philosophies in terms of actual behavior, their belief structure itself never resonated with me. Most of the other mainstream religions are more of the same, so I found myself to come to the conclusion that I just don’t know.

I don’t know what the point of being here is. I don’t know why shit happens to good people, and great things happen to shitty people.

I just don’t.

But what I do know is that after pondering this question the weekend after I was diagnosed, I finally came to a conclusion.

I don’t really give a shit.

And I don’t mean that in a “I’m giving up on everything” way. I mean more that it’s wasted energy to try to figure out the why of things.

If you knew why things happened – would it change your outlook? If I knew for a fact that everything did or did not happen for a reason, does it matter?

Not to me.

To me, I’m going to keep living my life pretty simply. First and foremost, I’m going to kick the shit out of this leukemia. That’s first.

But my philosophy before and after this was and will remain: Do what makes you happy. Take care of friends and family. If something is worth doing, it’s not going to be easy to get there.

Who cares what’s up there? Whether or not it exists, my life is the same. Kick Leukemia’s ass. Continue becoming more awesome.

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5 comments

  1. Paul Linger · · Reply

    I know you’ll beat this.

  2. Thanks man, appreciate it. There’s no other option in my head but kicking this thing’s ass.

  3. I absolutely love reading your blog. This post specifically is as if you’ve gotten into my head and read my mind… I’ve thought and felt the exact same. Even down to some smaller details, like you religious views (similar to mine..), and your attitude on how to deal with this.
    Saying good luck feels like too small of a pat on the back, and too cliche, but I don’t know how else to wish you well. Your determination and courage is inspiring đŸ™‚

    1. Similar thoughts from me. “Enjoy” seems like the wrong word to use when talking about your blog, because I empathize greatly with your situation. But you’re a great writer, and its enlightening to read about what you’re going through.

      Thanks for the kind words.

  4. […] of the writing. It’s here. You can also find more reactions and dealing with the implications here and […]

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